What it Takes to Heal™
Throughout the years, Allison discovered many helpful ways to support her healing process. She has gathered some of her ideas together below, to share with you about “What it Takes to Heal.”™
Also, shortly after her accident, Allison felt deeply supported by the content of a powerful keynote speech by Rabbi Harold Kushner: “When Bad Things Happen to Good People.” She still feels this is an outstanding message. Click Here to watch. Please be sure to watch it all the way to the very end.
For Those Who Are Struggling or in a Healing Process:
A number of sources today teach that a better life can happen by simply shifting to a positive attitude or intention. It’s a beautiful concept and practice, however, I find it to be an oversimplified solution in many cases.
After I was burned, I was in shock for a very long time. During that period, I was given a number of videos with inspiring speakers, suggesting how to change one’s life, how to take action, and make no excuses. Even though I saw the value in what they shared, I became very provoked. I felt they had no idea what I was going through.
When pain strikes a person deeply and potently, it is often premature to try to move forward and try to “be positive” in that moment. It can, in fact, create a backlash. It made me feel as if there was something wrong with me. I felt frustrated and alone.
Eventually, I learned why I had such a strong reaction: it was too soon for me to be taking in that kind of information. At that point, I just needed love. I was still in shock, and devastated, and I needed an incredible amount of compassion and time to adjust to the reality of my new life. I needed that time to heal before taking action was possible or even appropriate.
So, if what I’m saying applies to you, please take the time you need and deserve. Take it easy. Please be kind with yourself, and very patient with yourself.
For Friends and Family of Those Facing Crisis:
It’s natural to not know what to say or do for someone who is in crisis. I hear this a lot. The most important thing is to not do nothing; the absence of any contact from you can be misunderstood and appear that you do not care. Reaching out in the smallest way will make a world of difference. People will appreciate that you care and it will help to heal them. Love is powerful. Here are some ideas – you can even just pick one!
Sit with them—Be with them, and listen.
Ask, “What can I do for you?”
Send them a card and write, “Thinking of you.”
Try to avoid using clichés like, “Everything happens for a reason”, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, etc.
Clean their home or buy their groceries.
Offer to take care of their pets or to water their plants.
You can say to the person, “I love you.”
Give them a hug—if it’s ok for them to be touched.
Leave hand picked flowers at their doorstep with a note.
Bring them books or audio recordings on their favorite topic.
Drop off a home cooked meal.
Offer to take their children to the zoo.
Ask if they need a ride to a doctors office or any appointments.
Just show up and love them with your eyes, your smile and your kindness – You do not need to solve the problem they have.
Leave a voicemail and let them know you are thinking of them.
Here is a good list of support questions you can ask someone who is facing a challenge:
I want to support you in the best way that you need. Can you tell me what you need or what I can do for you?
Are you getting enough sleep? You need rest now more than ever.
Are you eating well and taking good supplements to support your body? Your body needs balance and support now more than ever.
When appropriate you can ask: Are you exercising? Especially during tough times, it would help support your body.
Are you drinking enough water every day?
Do you have a solid support system in place? Do you call them regularly for help?
Can I help you organize a support system? You do not have to do it all alone.
Can you do something every day to ease your heart? Please give yourself as much compassion and kindness as possible. Are you being kind towards yourself right now? What can we do to make that happen?
I recommend printing this quote out below and keeping it on your desk, near your bed, or on your bathroom mirror. Whether your belief system is defined by a belief in God, Jesus, Moses, Muhammad, Buddha, or Love, etc…. this quote is so beautiful and helpful:
The Paradoxical Commandments
People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered,
LOVE THEM ANYWAY
If you do good, people will accuse you of
selfish, ulterior motives,
DO GOOD ANYWAY
If you are successful,
you win false friends and true enemies,
SUCCEED ANYWAY
The good you do will be forgotten tomorrow,
DO GOOD ANYWAY
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable,
BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY
What you spent years building may be
destroyed overnight,
BUILD ANYWAY
People really need help
but may attack you if you help them,
HELP PEOPLE ANYWAY
Give the world the best you have
And you’ll get kicked in the teeth,
GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU HAVE ANYWAY.
*The Paradoxical Commandments were written by Kent M. Keith when he was 19, a sophomore at Harvard College.
Mother Teresa put a condensed version of the Paradoxical Commandments up on the wall of her children’s home in Calcutta. According to Lucinda Vardey, in Mother Teresa: A Simple Path (New York: Ballantine Books, 1995), page 185, there was “a sign on the wall of Shishu Bhavan, the children’s home in Calcutta.” The above is what the sign said.
Thank you dearly to Kent M. Keith.
